Statement of compliance

In honor of one month remaining until our wedding, I offer the following responses to The Surprise Honeymoon Rules, Vol. I. The original rules are italicized.

1. I will not do anything that is considered illegal in my host country.
Our itinerary, as planned at present, requires no illegal activities. Whether or not you engage in illegal enterprise while on the honeymoon is at your discretion.

2. I would prefer a destination where it is not necessary to bribe border officials or transportation agents in order to ensure smooth travel.
The bribing of border officials is a fine art. When in doubt, officials are best left unbribed. Bribery will not be necessary on our honeymoon.

3. I would rather not be in motion for more than 15 hours each way (not counting layovers).
Not counting time zones or layovers, you will not be in motion (to/from our initial destination) for more than 15 hours.

4. While I am too hyperactive to lie on the beach for hours, I do not want an itinerary so action-packed that I return from my honeymoon thoroughly exhausted.
Much of the honeymoon planning process was invested in the painful process of simplifying the itinerary. I intended our daily schedule to be highly flexible.

5. I will not ride in any vehicles that I know to be smuggled or stolen.
Then you must never know.

6. I prefer to remain at least 80 miles from areas known to contain land mines.
As I understand it, our destinations are at least 80 miles from known, active land mines.

7. If traveling to a cold destination where sitting out by the pool is never an option, I would like at least one opportunity to sit in a Jacuzzi or indoor pool for a minimum of fifteen minutes. (In other words, one defining characteristic of a honeymoon is that it requires purchasing new swimwear.)
There is at least one swimming opportunity.

8. I would like to avoid bedbugs at all costs.
So would I.

9. My general opinion is that while "winging it" by finding last-minute accommodations is often part of a great travel adventure, paying to sleep outside at an overbooked hostel doth not a romantic vacation make.
But it can make for adventure. Though I sincerely believe that "winging it" in the right situation can actually be more romantic than pre-planning, in this circumstance it wasn't worth the risk. Romance, in this instance, is trumped by my need for sanity--see below.

10. Minimal cause for panic attacks--always a good rule of thumb for vacay!
I agree. See above. However, some forms of transportation cannot be avoided in our particular circumstance--namely, flight. And remember, this isn't plain ol' "vacay!"

11. As our honeymoon will occur during early hurricane season, I am wary of hurricane hot spots.
I, like the insurance company, make no guarantees regarding acts of God. Or nuclear war.

12. If we are traveling to another country and a different language is spoken there, I would like to know what that language is (if it can be revealed without compromising the secrecy of the destination). For example, being told that I will need to learn some conversational Spanish or French would certainly narrow down the possibilities but not give away the destination, while "Time to learn Nepali!" makes it really freaking obvious.
I believe the language selection game effectively met this rule.

13. While vegetarian options galore are not necessarily a requirement, I do not seek a travel spot where the only culinary delight is roasted on a spit (or where there is no food at all).
While there will be many culinary delights on our honeymoon, I do have some concerns about this rule. In some specific locales, we may have to go to some lengths to meet your dietary needs.

14. The destination(s) must be finalized at LEAST 6 months prior to departure. Basic travel arrangements (flights, hotels, etc.) should be made at least 5 months in advance, barring any extenuating circumstances. The GTB’s failure to get in gear does not constitute an extenuating circumstance.
This was the most difficult requirement to meet, I believe. It was not a matter of "getting in gear," but one of trying to keep my excitement in check. I had to keep my goals simple for a more relaxing honeymoon (see rule #4), and cutting back was the hardest part.